Forum Yousoulmate Dating V You Soul Mate You Soul Mate Szh You Soul Mate What do you think about the idea of soul mates? Do they exist?

I used to believe your theory, pretty much as you put it. The drawback, though, was that I would often think, "She is the one for me," and focus on that one person.

Most of the time, she was elusive in one way or another (didn't share my feelings at all, was physically distan, even if she wast, was already "taken," was someone who'd broken up with me but who I continued to pursue, certain she was "the one," etc.). And while I was pursuing (or pining over) that elusive "soul mate," I shut myself off to a lot of other potential mates, soul or otherwise.

I lost friendships, thinking the pursuit of my "soul mate" trumped all other obligations. I failed to make new friends, because I was always looking the other way. God only knows how many romantic possibilities I missed while seeking the elusive "one."

Of course, I've only been able to realize this in retrospect. I'm looking back on events, thoughts, and feelings that I had 20 years ago.

My perspective now is that I have, and do, have soul mates, but not in the "one special person made just for me" way. I've had, and still have, a half dozen or so friends, both male and female, who I "clicked" with instantly and have remained forever important to me. With some I had a short, intense connection and have only seen or spoken to infrequently in the years since. But I know they're there, I think of them often -- especially during turning points in my life -- and don't doubt that the connection will ever be broken.

With a few women I've had intense romantic relationships that lasted months or years, but ultimately didn't work out. These relationships were often painful when they were going on (but there were many great times, too!), and the pain remains to this day. It's bittersweet; rationally, I know that despite our mutual feelings for each other, there were too many other factors that prevented us from becoming soul mates for life.

In one case, it was religion -- including her own religious beliefs, to some extent, but more important, her family's religious beliefs, which included intense bigotry. To stay with me, she would have had to basically disown her family, and she couldn't -- or wasn't able at the time -- to do that. My heartache over her remains, despite not having spoken to her in over ten years. But I still believe that the soul connection was real, and that we wouldn't miss a beat if we reconnected.

To keep this answer to less than book length, I'll end by saying that I've found quite a few "soul mates" who were just the right person -- for that time in my life. At one point, I had several soul mates, friends and lovers who were the right people for me, all at the same time. It was a group connection (not in any kinky way), a very special group of friends at a special time and place. I'll never forget that great good fortune, and they are still a part of me, even if they are a not an active part of my day-to-day life.

I think the mistake I made early on was that by believing in one soul mate, I closed myself off to many other options. I was like a race horse running for the finish line -- wearing blinders so that I couldn't truly see any place but straight ahead, to "the one meant for me." Much more often than not, "the one" wasn't "the one," and I missed a lot of opportunities along the way.

I remained optimistic the whole time, but it was a kind of false hope, like the one held by so many people who buy lottery tickets daily, believing that it will be their financial salvation. They blind themselves to other financial opportunities while focusing on winning the big jackpot, and slowly squander away money as well.

I blinded myself to other romantic opportunities many times while focusing on my "soul mate," and slowly squandered away lots of emotional energy and some very good friendships.

I hope you stay optimistic. A few do experience the movie version of a lifelong soul mate. Many, I think, can have life experiences similar to mine, where they encounter quite a few soul mates along the way. Many marry a soul mate, and eventually have wonderful marriages that remain close over decades -- but the nature of the closeness is constantly in flux, and not always of the "soul" variety.

So keep your eyes peeled -- and look in all directions.